5 Steps to Build Confidence, Not Just Inflate It

Because Bubble Wrap Isn’t a Strategy

<reading time 4-5 minutes>

The Spark

I was reading a Maureen Dowd New York Times column when I came across the phrase “slid from sycophancy to solipsism.” A beautiful alliteration, and yes, I do love words. She was referring to how Joe Biden’s staff’s constant flattery (sycophancy) isolated and protected him from necessary critiques, ultimately leading him to believe his own viewpoint was the only valid one (solipsism).

Classic Dowd: sharp, direct, and lethal. When I grow up, I want to write like her.

A Familiar Scene

Thrilled as I was about her phrase, what struck me wasn’t the politics but the pattern: how excessive praise, whether in the Oval Office or the living room, can distort reality and stunt growth.

• protecting little Johnny from failure,

• showering praise for every single scribbled drawing,

• applauding every moment as if it were worthy of a highlight reel.

None of it offers a real playback of the child’s abilities.

We all probably overprotect and overpraise when they’re toddlers or in early grade school, but into high school and college?

A friend who worked in the counseling office at a well-regarded college used to get calls from parents saying things like:

"Johnny got a 76 on his paper, and he really needs a 90 or better to get into graduate school. The professor needs to change his grade."
Or:
"I’m calling to set up an appointment for Estelle. She needs help figuring out how to get a job at Google."

The counselor would reply, “Estelle needs to schedule the appointment herself.”
The parent: “She’s too busy. I’ll just take care of it.”

OMG. How are these kids supposed to survive once Mommy or Daddy can’t save them? How will they build real confidence, not the kind inflated by applause, but the kind that grows from falling, floundering, and figuring it out?

So What Can We Do Instead?

1. Stop Clapping For Everything.

Your kid (or boss) completed a project? Great. That’s what they were supposed to do. It was an assignment. Their responsibility.

Celebrate effort, growth, and grit, not simply their existence.

When praise becomes ambient noise, always humming in the background, it loses its meaning and sets up the expectation that every task deserves an award.

2. Let The Stumble Happen.

It’s tempting to jump in and prevent discomfort. Oh, how we want to save our kids from pain. But that moment of “oh no, this is hard” is exactly where resilience begins.

If you always bring the net, they’ll never trust their own balance.

In fact, over time, it quietly undermines their confidence. “My mom thinks I can’t walk this tightrope, she’s always stepping in to hold my hand.”

3. Give Feedback That’s Honest And Kind.

You can say “This draft is confusing” without crushing their soul. Constructive feedback is how people learn. Without it, they end up believing that what they’ve done is, in fact, solid work. (It’s not.)

Also, if you take on their teachers or professors to get them a better grade, without any additional effort on their part, they learn that the rules don’t apply to them as long as someone more powerful and louder is willing to step in and fix things for them.

4. Model Uncertainty Without Panic.

You don’t have to have all the answers.
Saying, “I’m not sure, but let’s figure it out,” models both vulnerability and problem-solving.
It shows that not knowing isn’t a failure, rather it’s part of being human.

Confidence isn’t synonymous with being right. It’s gained by showing up when the outcome isn’t guaranteed or when you’re afraid but step forward anyway.

5. Let Them Know the World Doesn’t Revolve Around Them…Or Any Of Us.

Empathy, curiosity, and collaboration develop when they understand they're not the main character in every story.

They’re part of a bigger story, one that needs others to be fully told.

Let them follow sometimes. Let them ask for help. It’s in those smaller, supporting roles, when they’re not the center of the narrative, that real confidence, and real character, begin to take shape.

The Risk

In the end, it’s not about protecting your children, grandchildren or others from life or ensuring they arrive exactly where you think they should be.
It’s about trusting them enough to grow.

When you flood anyone with praise and skip the critiques, you’re not building confidence, you’re just wrapping them in bubble wrap (thanks again, Maureen) and handing them a misguided sense of entitlement.

Whether it’s a child who’s never been told “no” or an employee surrounded by yes-people, the result is the same:
Sycophancy creates an echo chamber, and over time, that echo becomes the only voice they trust and want to hear.

That’s how you slide from confidence to self-importance. From support to solipsism.

✨ A Thought to Carry With You:

“You may not be the hero in every chapter, but you are still part of the story.”
— Inspired by J.R.R. Tolkien

✍️ Writing Prompts

Home Version:
Think of a time you praised someone - your child, a friend, a partner - for something that, in hindsight, didn’t really warrant a standing ovation.
What were you trying to encourage?
How might you offer support differently now?

Work Version:
Think of a time you worked with someone who seemed convinced their perspective was the only one that mattered.
How did they get there? What role did flattery or avoidance play in reinforcing that mindset?
How might you respond differently today?